• Nicka

Body of Love

Updated: Nov 9, 2020

I want to start by thanking my body profusely for getting us here today. We have been through abuse, fatigue, pain, trauma, neglect, self hate, suicidal thoughts and my body is still fighting on; whew what a journey! Absolutely humbling! I am so grateful for my body for doing that for me, even when the conscious me didn't want to keep going. I am so very proud of the way my body fights and is a very big inspiration to me.

I haven't always loved my body though, I have been angry at her for not being like others, I have been angry at her for disobeying me, I have wished harm upon her, I have hurt her, I have neglected her, I have spoken badly about her to others and yet she still kept going.

I feel a deep shame that I have harmed her in such a way and I fight back tears writing this; I do not deserve such an amazing mate to share my human experience with. I have to do right by her.

Now that I recognise this, I will work through loving my body and giving her the life that she deserves. She deserves to be happy, free, respected and loved. She deserves to be relaxed, healthy and living in luxury.

You may find it weird that I am speaking about my body as a separate entity, but for me this is entirely normal. I often have dissociation due to my BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and to be quite honest, it helps me put things in perspective. Sometimes it can be a weird feeling or unhelpful to think like this, but with all my faults and flaws, I like to do what I can with what I got and that sometimes means flipping the negative and turning it into a positive.

I acknowledge my faults in harming my body, whether that be via thoughts or actions and I will unlearn it all. I do not want wish to harm her any more. This journey will be hard, but it will be worth it and my body deserves it.

This revelation has been on my mind a lot recently because I started having feelings of unworthiness and comparison. "I wish I didn't have [insert body "flaw" here]" and the all time favourite, "I wish my body looked like" How we are poisoned with capitalistic, patriarchal white european ideologies is just ugh! It is tiring and extremely harmful to our self esteem and general wellbeing.

I was informed that I had PCOS yesterday (5.11.2020) which I had been diagnosed with back in 2018 but I was only told yesterday. I am still processing this information as it is key to my physical health, however things are beginning to add up and why my body is the way it is, makes sense.

A picture of my torso in a black crop top & high waisted shorts

I was harming my body when she was at her worse, PCOS and mental health illnesses; how cruel is that? It makes me think about how I would not hurt someone if they were down, so why would I do that to myself? Even though I was unaware that I had PCOS I should never have been unkind to her, she should be loved and safeguarded. It upsets me to think about why I didn't like my body in the first place; my mother projected her hate for herself on me and those thoughts were probably passed down onto her. At the root though, it comes from the idea that women, must have perfect figures (not entirely sure what that even is), perfect skin, mustn't age and anything outside of these unhealthy, unrealistic ideals are unworthy and social media reinforces this. It used to be magazines and the tv, but now it's in our hands; posts, pictures, videos of what are seemingly worthy bodies.

Our bodies are worthy because they keep us alive as best as they can and I will not let social media or unintelligent annoyances tell us any different. I get very fed up with the unhealthy ideals surrounding make up and surgery. I am not saying that we shouldn't do either of those things, but we need to get to the root problem as to why people feel so unworthy that they use the two at the extremes; one day I will explore this more.

My last thoughts are: I feel embarrassed about the way I spoke about or thought about my body, but as I said earlier I will unlearn this, even if I didn't have a reason, I should have been kinder, but I have to accept that fact and work through these feelings so that I lay them to rest and be grateful for the body I have, because I am extremely grateful! I have an amazing body, inside and out and I couldn't be more prouder of me, her, us!

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