Updated: Oct 31, 2020
I have recently gone through my own disappointment and fan girl break up, of women who I deeply admired. I still respect one woman in particular, but I no longer follow her train of thought. I also unfollowed a fav psychologist of mine when she proclaimed that a girl consented to doing a sex video, which we saw her being severely degraded. It has been a harsh reality that my fave's are human with flaws, but I also believe that it is healthy to have these realization's that none of us are perfect, and we should support not stan. This is such an unhealthy train of thought, because we are putting people on pedestals and this creates god complexes, them and us mindsets and internalised self loathing and low self esteem.
As someone who thoroughly enjoys psychology, I do my best to follow Black female psychologists, especially British ones and I was shocked and upset that the person I admired thought that a degrading porn video witha woman, meant that she was okay with it. When it in reality, we know how violent the porn industry is. A lot of, if not most porn video's are not what they seem and women are being forced to do things they may not want to do. The porn industry is insidious and a cesspool of violence and pedophilia. I couldn't believe what I read, the video was awful and I could barely stomach no more than a few seconds. I believe there are very few women who enjoy being degraded in such a harmful manner, because women are constantly being harassed in real life, online, we aren't believed or acknowledged. Men use us as tools for their own personal gain and discarded when they are finished with us; then move onto the next.
As someone who is a psychologist and talks a lot about behaviour, I would like to believe that she would understand that there was a very strong notion that she may not have actually consented and was coerced to do it. It was unfathomable to me, I was going to speak up but thought it best to go about my way quietly. To be quite honest it wasn't the first offence, I believe in what I'm about to talk about below, but my intuition was telling me otherwise; I believe her (my intuition)!
I wanted to write this without mentioning her name because I still have great respect for her, but I wanted to say that I was disappointed in Kimberle Crenshaw and her including everyone in the term "intersectionality" She coined the term in 1989 as a lawyer to fight for a case in which a Black woman was discriminated against, not only for her race but for her gender and class, it was a word specifically for Black women; which Black women everywhere fought tirelessly for us to retain the word solely for us and then Kimberle succumbed to it being for everyone. Everyone who has multiple oppressions -_- a white woman with a disability has multiple oppressions but she is still white and benefits from the system of racism, why does she now get to use the word? Why are Black women not allowed things for themselves? Why do we have to include everyone? We should have things for ourselves without being threatened with "you are excluding others" when everyone quite literally excludes us. We are forever looking around for support and all we ever see are each others faces.
UPDATE: So I wrote the above paragraph about Kimberle P Crenshaw in August (I am editing this at the end of Oct) and I was wrong! The main reason why I am leaving this up because aside from my incorrect interpretation of what Dr Crenshaw said, I think, it is important for you to know that the rest still stands. The word "intersectionality" is not for everyone, create your own!
My dearest noname, she is like the annoying little radical sister who won't let you breathe but you know she's talking sense, but you just wanna watch Greenleaf in peace; the Black Lisa Simpson. I follow noname on twitter and she can be intense but I understand why she is the way she is, she wants to change the world, as I do and it's frustrating that people will not even try to understand or listen to reason. The tete a tete with J Cole had me questioning me following her, when I listened to other perspectives, but I thought, no she is a human being, she gets to speak up and so I am still here. When she called out Beyonce it was disgusting, the anti blackness, the misyonoir towards her and I had to remember that we are all we got. Noname from what I can see is not a nasty person, she is passionate and wants to help, she has been vulnerable with us, shared things that none of us needed to know, to prove to us her intentions. Even though I do not know her personally, there are are some key traits that I like in people, that I see in her.
UPDATE: The world owes noname an apology about what she said about Beyonce, because she was right! It doesn't mean that there is hate as some of you will leap to, but peoples actions are obvious now. If you can not see a pattern, I don't know what to tell you.
The point that I am trying to make is that none of us are perfect, and that our imperfect existence resonates with others, whether that be partially or as a whole; we can not be for everyone and it is such a beautiful thing to understand and be accepting of this. We are not perfect and we will make mistakes along the way, when we mess up, it's okay to gently say, you know what, that wasn't okay, it would be better if you had one x,y,z but going forward, don't do that again or in that manner.
I have previously made the error of believing that I HAVE to like every thing a person says or does, this is mostly because of my abusive childhood but also because of societies fickle notions that we are either good or bad, when in reality, we are bad to some and good to some. We must learn how to discern who is inherently bad and who is being fake nice, so that they can manipulate us, but also who is inherently good, and that particular belief (that they believe in) just doesn't fit with me because it's not for me, it's for them; as I don't know their lived experience and as to why they think that way.
We must allow grace with each other, we must love on one another and hold each other in Love. When I look back on previous mental health breakdowns and where I was spiralling, people held space for me and was trying to help me, not tear me down. We should allow that for our leaders/heads/creators of movements, we are all human, we all mess up and specifically if you are a Black woman we have it a million times harder, we have so many obstacles and we should be careful of bringing one another down, when we disagree, giving constructive criticism or trying to hold someone to account.
I came to the harsh realisation that I wasn't practicing what I preached and was holding onto rigid expectations of other Black women. To be fair to myself, I came to this realisation when I thought about how others may put me onto a pedestal and when I said something that they didn't particular like they would throw accusations of: "I thought you were like x,y,z. I can't believe you would do or say this" and it all came flooding to me that I sort of was doing this to other Black women; putting them into this particular box and not allowing them to breathe outside of it. The reason I say sort of because I wouldn't dare intrude in their space, but may have felt disappointment or sadness when they did something that I didn't think that they believe in, or expected them to behave in a certain way. I treat people how I would like to be treated and I have to first look within and do the inner work, before I dare speak in anyone else's space. This lack of self reflection is a problem with society and I think that is why we are not really progressing how we should.
Worry about yourself was a phrase my narcissistic mother kept telling me and whilst her version of worrying about yourself should not be modelled on, her words rung true when trying to be a better person. Look at yourself first, tend to your garden before you start invading into somebody else's; coming in with the wrong tools and seeds, meanwhile they are looking at you like...Um I just needed a little sunlight and you came with a tractor, hose and waterlogged my garden. Look at your own garden before asking and worrying about other peoples, if your garden needs water and you only have a watering cans worth, you can not give to your neighbour without sacrificing your own garden.
I have learnt my lesson on placing people on pedestals and I hope that this gives you some insight on remembering to be patient and kind, also to give the person grace and exercise some patience because anyone who knows me, knows that I have a lot of work to do in the patience area.
Find a way to share or exchange resources, so the other party understands why you said what you said, that way we both benefit. Too many of us were raised in pain and lessons learnt were always handed out in the most harmful way possible. To end generational curses we should be looking at what we will not do to each other, and not do it! Not all breaking of curses must be loud, some are with our neighbour, move with love, correct with love, teach with love, love with love not abuse.