• Nicka


Updated: Oct 30, 2020

I thought I would do a quick introduction post which expands from my about section.

I will be writing my thoughts and opinions from my perspective; I have always thought that I was odd because I didn't see things as other people saw them or I would ask a totally different question to the majority of people. I now know that it is my superpower, a combination of my Spirituality, Dyslexia and Mental Health and also just plain common sense.

In roughly 2014 I became immersed in what I now call the conscious cult, I almost got sucked into the hate and anger of hating everything that isn't what they deemed “African.” I almost got sucked in because I was so confused on the racism that I had experienced by white people from a young child to that point; I didn't understand the power dynamics and the insidious nature of entitlement, inferiority disguised as superiority and just pure uneducated hate towards anyone that didn't look like and behaved like themselves.

As much as I don't associate with that community any more, I am thankful for being a part of it for a while, as it, like a lot of or all my major experiences, taught me a lesson.

I learnt a lot about myself and how other people react to one another on limited information, it also brought me to another community...Feminists! Insert hard eye roll here! I quickly understood that this wasn't the community for me however, I learned more about racism and it's power dynamics in a more intellectual way, that allowed me to digest it and understand the feelings and actions of white women in particular towards me. I realised that white women were just as violent, if not worse than white men. They were the ones creating monsters and they use their privileges (being white and being a white woman, meaning their connection to femininity and softness) to manipulate the world. White feminists protest and scream for equal pay and that is all I ever hear, nothing of substance. People are being oppressed, bullied, harmed, isolated from help that they need and more and the gender “pay gap” is all that they are fighting for -_-. Once again I knew that this wasn't the space for me, whilst I was trying to find a space for myself I stumbled upon the LGBT community and also the Spirituality community.

I found the Spirituality community by expanding from African Spirituality, I found that there was an expansive universe and also that Spirituality wasn't linear, it didn't have to be and whomever I identified as didn't matter, as long as I was committed to being the best version of myself, healing my past traumas and in turn breaking generational curses. Whilst I was doing that I was also finding myself within the LGBT Community and I once again I didn't fit in, the racism, misogyny and manipulation of the community didn't feel right to me and when I spoke to other Black members of the community, they didn't and still really don't care. I feel it's because they seem to think that they are treated better than the people within their families or communities who are hurtful and oppressive. It is sad that black people don't have a home and I'm not even talking about a physical home, they do not have peace, nurturing or love for who they are, so they run to what they think is home. But I feel like it's jumping from the frying pan into the fire, I present as a heterosexual Black Woman, so I get treated as such, as soon as they find out that I am gay it's a whole other reaction/response. I personally do not like shady behaviour, take me for me, respect levels are always there for everybody and everyone, but as soon as you show me who are, that's it, I'm done and pull myself away.

Finding myself on the Spirituality journey has been overwhelming, but, I felt like I was releasing another person from inside me, I was dealing with Eating Disorders, Body Dysmorphia, Anxiety, Depression, Suicidal thoughts, Self Harm, Low Self esteem, Lack of Self Love and I was tired of these things holding me down and I vowed to end these things.

Whilst working on these aspects of me it was revealed to me that my mother was a narcissist and that she had been abusing me my whole life (with the help of my family), I knew something wasn't right but I just didn't understand it, nobody helped me, social services failed me, eventually the police failed me, the little family I had failed me, I was lost, broken and had ended up homeless with Tia and Cleo. I was forced to leave my home and had to reach out to various organisations for help, all whilst trying to deal with the trauma that led up to me leaving my home and also my mental health. I eventually found refuge & that has been an ordeal in itself, but it also helped me find my purpose and my calling, the 20 plus months taught me painful lessons, I learnt how to implement boundaries, how to love myself, how to ask for help, how to be vulnerable, how to receive love, most importantly my power.

My website will be a catalog of the struggles I went through and are currently going through. I am not perfect, my journey is still ongoing, I don't have all the answers, but I definitely will do my best to share my knowledge, in efforts to let other people know that they are not alone, that it is achievable and to believe in yourself, it will not be easy, but you will get there, keep trusting in yourself.

By the way Tia & Cleo are doing very well, living their best lives, being spoilt as all hell (rolls eyes) and here are some photo's of them, that I hope that you will enjoy.

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